The Psychology of Relationships: Connections for Better Well-Being

 "The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships" -Esther Perel 

What is a relationship, and what are the psychological and emotional impacts of connecting with others? 

In our fast-paced, hectic lives, how often do we take the time to reflect on our relationships — what it means to be "in relation" to another, how our relationships are serving us (or not), and how we are showing up as active participants in the creation of healthy, mutual relationships?

A relationship is a connection or bond between two or more individuals characterized by various forms of interaction, shared experiences, and emotional attachments. Relationships take many forms, from friendships, romantic partnerships, family connections, professional collaborations, and more. These connections play a significant role in shaping our psychological and emotional well-being.

Relationships are a key feature of what it means to be human. We are beings hard-wired for social connection and belonging. And when our relationships are strong, we're more resilient in the face of stress and hardship. But when our relationships are fraught, we are more likely to experience anxiety, depression and maladaptive coping behaviours such as addiction, which can impact our mental and physical health.

A recent study published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science found that positive and negative experiences in our relationships are directly linked to physiological indicators like blood pressure and heart rate reactivity. Researchers found that, in general, people who reported positive relationship experiences were more likely to have lower blood pressure. Conversely, those who reported negative experiences, including relationships with extreme highs and lows, were predictive of higher blood pressure. 

Simply put, the quality of our relationships can have a very real impact on our health.

Let's dive deeper into the psychology of relationships — how we choose who we're attracted to, how our relationship attachments form, and how we can keep our relationships healthy.

What is the psychology of attraction?

The psychology of attraction is a complex and multifaceted area of study that seeks to understand why individuals are drawn to one another. It encompasses a wide range of conscious and subconscious factors that influence who we find attractive and why.

Things that influence attraction include:

Physical Appearance. Our preferences tend to be shaped by our culture and our personal tastes.

Similarity. People are often attracted to others with similar interests, values, beliefs, and backgrounds. 

Reciprocity. We tend to be attracted to people who show interest in us or reciprocate our affections. 

Social Influence. Social factors, such as societal norms and cultural expectations, can influence who we find attractive. Society's beauty standards, for example, can shape our perceptions of attractiveness.

Our early caregivers. We unconsciously expect our romantic partners to act as our parents did, and we tend to re-create the relationship patterns we experienced in childhood.

Evolutionary Factors. Evolutionary psychology suggests that some aspects of attraction may be rooted in our evolutionary history. 

Regardless of how initial attraction is formed, attraction alone does not necessarily predict the success or longevity of a relationship. Long-term compatibility involves additional factors beyond initial attraction.

Relationships & "Attachment Styles"

Attachment theory describes the various ways individuals form emotional bonds and attachments with others, particularly in the context of how we are influenced by our early relationships, such as those between infants and caregivers. 

Four main attachment styles have been identified based on how individuals relate to others in close relationships:

Secure Attachment. Individuals with a secure attachment style tend to be comfortable with intimacy and are generally able to trust and rely on their partners. People with secure attachment styles often have a history of consistent and responsive caregiving during their early years.

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment. People with an anxious-preoccupied attachment tend to have a negative view of themselves but a positive view of others. They tend to desire close relationships and intimacy but become overly concerned with abandonment or rejection. This attachment style may be associated with inconsistent caregiving during childhood, however, it’s important to note the complexity of this. While family dynamics may influence this attachment style, it can also be influenced by temperament and other biological factors.

Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment. Individuals with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style tend to have a positive view of themselves but a negative view of others. They value their independence and self-sufficiency and may have difficulty relying on or opening up to others emotionally. This attachment style can develop in response to caregivers who were emotionally unavailable.

Fearful-Avoidant (or Disorganized) Attachment. This attachment style is characterized by a negative view of both the self and others. People with a fearful-avoidant attachment style often have a history of traumatic or abusive caregiving experiences. They may simultaneously desire close relationships and fear the potential emotional pain associated with them. As a result, they can display conflicting behaviours, such as alternating between seeking intimacy and pushing others away.

It's important to know that attachment styles are not static or permanent; they can evolve and change over time as individuals gain new experiences and insights. Attachment styles may also evolve with the help of attachment therapy. This area of focus aims to help individuals address some of their subconscious issues from childhood that may be impacting their ability to form and maintain meaningful connections with others. 

Additionally, attachment styles are not solely applicable to romantic relationships; they can influence various types of interpersonal relationships, including friendships and relationships with caregivers, friends and colleagues.

How can I keep my relationships healthy?

It's normal for relationships to have ups and downs. However, just as plants need water and sunlight to thrive, our relationships need consistent investment and care from us and those we are in relation with to flourish. 

Here are some ways you can keep your relationships healthy:

Effective communication

• How we approach a conversation can make all the difference. Be honest, open and respectful.
• Practice active listening. Seek to understand (not just be understood).
• Put in the effort. Good relationships are built not found.

Conflict resolution

• Focus on the issue, not the person. Avoid personal attacks and maintain (and expect) respectful discourse.
• Take the space you need. Don't force a conversation in a heated moment.
• Prioritize compromise. Seek common ground and stay open-minded to resolutions.

Emotional intelligence

• Build your empathy muscle. Cultivate curiosity for the other's experience and perspective. 
• Invest in your personal growth. If barriers are preventing you from showing up fully in your relationships, address them.
• Set healthy boundaries. Boundaries are deeply personal, but they are essential components of healthy relationships. 

Conclusion

The health of our relationships is a key indicator of our overall mental and physical health. Investing in our relationships is one of the most important things we can do for ourselves and our partners, family, friends and community. Professional therapy is a critical way we can get the support we need to have the relationships we deserve.

The OPA is dedicated to fostering psychological well-being in Ontario residents. Let us help you find the right practitioner to help you navigate your relationships.